Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Proof is in the Dry Humping. The Bachelorette Blog.

Who are we kidding?  I'm watching The Bachelorette.  Of course I am.  Is it sucky reality TV?  Then of course I've got it on the DVR list.  Judge me.  Don't judge me.  Whatev.  I'm watching it.

I go into these shows knowing full well they're scripted, or at least....steered....a certain way.  I mean, the ex-girlfriend happens to have a camera in her apartment when one of the bachelors calls her from the bachelor pad?  What are the chances of that?  But I just suspend disbelief for the hour, pull out my spoon (or "poon" as some people call it in my house), and eat it up.

This blog is not intended to be a social commentary on the Bachelor/Bachelorette.  It's just to say that if you are watching, and admit it, you kind of are, she's clearly going with Roberto and moderately-shlubby Chris will be the next Bachelor.  Right?

And when I say moderately-shlubby, I mean he's a bit-awkward-not-that-good-of-a-kisser-from-what-I-can-see-on-the-tv-but-still-sorta-handsome-and-bohunky.  I personally think he's good lookin', and if I were the bachelorette, which I am not (for obvious reasons), he'd be my pick.  Especially since he lives on Cape Cod (free place to stay during women's week for me and my posse, sorry Chris...). 

If I really think about it, Chris is so the guy whose last girlfriend broke his heart and "turned gay," right?  That's such a whole other blog that I'll just stop right there.  But remind me of that when my blog welleth run dry.  There's a guy type that dates girls just before they become lesbians.  It's true.  And Chris L. is that type.  #thisdoesnotmakealialesbian-ordoesit? 

Seriously.  On that last episode, I thought the Bachelorette could have been impregnated under the water in Tahiti.  She and Roberto were dry-humping pretty....intensely...through their bathing suits.  Hah!  Nasty to type, but true nonetheless.  Does it even qualify as dry-humping if they're under water in wet bathing suits?   I just think that ups the odds of getting preg.  And I'm a bit of an expert on fertility issues ...read my book, Times Two, out April, 2011 (Free Press). 

All I'm saying is that Bachelor Chris wasn't getting any dry humping.  And according to my rule, the one getting the most dry humping wins.  They should probably edit out dry hump scenes if they don't want me to blog spoil the ending for them.  Silly, ABC. 

So I'm calling it and wrecking it for all you faithful watchers (are you still denying that you're watching it?).

Ali with Roberto.  Chris L. is the next Bachelor.  The proof is in the dry humping. 

See you at the finish line.

#Hendo

10 comments:

  1. Not watching, but love reading your recap!

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  2. Well I can't comment on the recap of the show. I'm one of those Reality Show snobs who can't deal with them. However, I give you full credit and props for owning up to watching!! Cuz what I hate more than those shows itself are the people who claim they don't watch but really do. I mean really, just own up to it, and it's all good!

    I won't get into the fact that it's because people keep watching them even though they nkow they're trash that they are still on the air and thriving...because that would be judging. Oh wait, I guess I did judge just a wee bit there. Sorry! But for realz, (not reality realz, but REAL realz...) enjoy :oD

    Rainee

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  3. I never watched. Just can't do it.

    Poon. Two meanings now, eh? ha!

    But, after laughing at your recap.... I then realized that I now have disturbing images of hot tubs in my head. Thanks, Hendo. ;)

    #ARneedstoplayduringWomensWeek

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  4. patti elder scharfJuly 22, 2010 at 12:33 PM

    I never watched it but I'm totally going to now!

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  5. Watch it, Admit it and Don't care what other say! Dry humping and all!

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  6. I watch it, dry humping and all...LOL.. Although I'm a year older than your mother, and have to admit that I didn't know that's what it was called. ;) Nice to see that 'we older folks' still have something in common with the younger generation. Love keeping in touch with your MOM and watching the babies grow up. Wishing you girls the best.

    Hugs

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  7. i watch it. i was very upset with Frank because honestly i thought she was going to pick him all along, and watching that train wreck this week was seriously painful. yes it is scripted, steered, whatever you want to call it, but i think she really did like him... and i don't think he's a TOTAL douche, but pretty darn close. or maybe that whole thing was an act... in which case, they deserve emmy nominations. I also think she will pick Roberto, not so much because of the dry humping, but because as you said, Chris is a little awkward and just a little TOO attached to his family. i can't see Ali moving into that house with Chris and his emo dad (who was very sweet and cute in that older real school hippy way). I think she wanted to pick Frank, but she will pick Roberto, they will date for awhile, but i doubt they will get married, unless Roberto matures really quickly... he's a young 26 in my opinion.

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  8. that Bachelorette is pretty hot... (tho i don't know her name.. (Ali? Paula? Blonde sporty non-gay?) but then.. then she opens her mouth and becomes about 1/2 as hot as when she had her trap shut.

    I haven't clapped one eye on that show in the past month. I am happy there is a finish line for this show as I feel it is a special kinda torture to endure.

    not judging.. not in the least... i mean... big brother is RIVETING tv to me after all.. and come to think of it... there is potential for dry humping on that show as well...

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  9. I think it would be considered wet dry humping? Maybe? That's right up there with Dunkin Donuts' White Hot Chocolate. Shouldn't it be Hot White Chocolate? Because white is describing the chocolate, which is hot. That bothered be 2 years ago and still apparently does today.

    Anyhow... back to your blog. My sick addiction was A Shot at Love. It seems the bigger the whore, the bigger their margin of victory.

    Final point: Sadly, I have a female friend that has been THAT girl for many gay men. She has had three boyfriends that have turned out to be gay. And her current one loves musical theatre... :x

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  10. Hmmmmmmmmmm I wonder if "Keeping up with the Kardashians" would get more viewers if they would partake in moist humping? Do you watch the Kardashians? You should...it's weird, bizarre, ridiculous, annoying AND has a douche bag named "Scott" who is one of those you love to hate. Oh and they also got a spin-off reality show out of it called "Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami"....sounds kinda porn-ish if you ask me. I haven't seen that one yet but I'm betting there's probably some moist humping goin' on in Miami.

    Hope your book will be as amusing as you and your blog. If not....can I get my money back? :-)

    Cheers,
    Chops

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