Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Proof is in the Dry Humping. The Bachelorette Blog.

Who are we kidding?  I'm watching The Bachelorette.  Of course I am.  Is it sucky reality TV?  Then of course I've got it on the DVR list.  Judge me.  Don't judge me.  Whatev.  I'm watching it.

I go into these shows knowing full well they're scripted, or at least....steered....a certain way.  I mean, the ex-girlfriend happens to have a camera in her apartment when one of the bachelors calls her from the bachelor pad?  What are the chances of that?  But I just suspend disbelief for the hour, pull out my spoon (or "poon" as some people call it in my house), and eat it up.

This blog is not intended to be a social commentary on the Bachelor/Bachelorette.  It's just to say that if you are watching, and admit it, you kind of are, she's clearly going with Roberto and moderately-shlubby Chris will be the next Bachelor.  Right?

And when I say moderately-shlubby, I mean he's a bit-awkward-not-that-good-of-a-kisser-from-what-I-can-see-on-the-tv-but-still-sorta-handsome-and-bohunky.  I personally think he's good lookin', and if I were the bachelorette, which I am not (for obvious reasons), he'd be my pick.  Especially since he lives on Cape Cod (free place to stay during women's week for me and my posse, sorry Chris...). 

If I really think about it, Chris is so the guy whose last girlfriend broke his heart and "turned gay," right?  That's such a whole other blog that I'll just stop right there.  But remind me of that when my blog welleth run dry.  There's a guy type that dates girls just before they become lesbians.  It's true.  And Chris L. is that type.  #thisdoesnotmakealialesbian-ordoesit? 

Seriously.  On that last episode, I thought the Bachelorette could have been impregnated under the water in Tahiti.  She and Roberto were dry-humping pretty....intensely...through their bathing suits.  Hah!  Nasty to type, but true nonetheless.  Does it even qualify as dry-humping if they're under water in wet bathing suits?   I just think that ups the odds of getting preg.  And I'm a bit of an expert on fertility issues my book, Times Two, out April, 2011 (Free Press). 

All I'm saying is that Bachelor Chris wasn't getting any dry humping.  And according to my rule, the one getting the most dry humping wins.  They should probably edit out dry hump scenes if they don't want me to blog spoil the ending for them.  Silly, ABC. 

So I'm calling it and wrecking it for all you faithful watchers (are you still denying that you're watching it?).

Ali with Roberto.  Chris L. is the next Bachelor.  The proof is in the dry humping. 

See you at the finish line.


Friday, July 16, 2010

There's a Dent in my Leg.

I've heard it's good form to every now and again follow up on an old blog post with whatever the latest is on a particular story you may have blogged about.  So, here's my attempt on an update to a blog post titled Sleep Deprivation and the Bed, Bath and Beyond.

A few months ago I posted about an incident that occurred to me in the parking lot of Bed, Bath and Beyond.  Do some of you remember that post?  I bet you don't remember it as much as I do.  For those of you who did not read the post, you can click this link and read it now.  And for those of you who did read the story but would like to freshen up on it, you can go ahead and click on that link too.

Ok.  So.  The other day I went clothes shopping.  Some of you know about this, because I was tweeting from the stores.  New everything.  The main objective of the shopping extravanganza was "clothes that fit".  No, I haven't given up on losing the last 5 pounds (I haven't @ninicamps, I swear).  But I have given up on trying to squeeze myself into "last years shorts, Mr. Henderson."

That quote is a family joke.  I know I'm not Mr. Henderson.  But my brother is.  And his 3rd grade teacher once humiliated him in front of his entire class by asking him if he was wearing last year's shorts.  Because, obviously, the shorts he had on seemed a little tight.  I'm letting him relive the humiliating experience all over again in my blog.  Sorry, Tommy.  That teacher was a full on hag and if I ran into her on the street today, I'd punch her for saying that to my little brother.  And the next time I see you, I expect you'll punch me for putting that story into my blog.

Anyway, shorts that fit were my objective.  While at J. Crew trying on a pair of shorts that did fit, I noticed this weird line across my leg.  It was....a dent.  Aghast, I thought....cellulite?  I gained an awful lot of weight while pregnant, and I've taken it all off ('cept those last 5 that I keep hawin' about).  For those of you who have gained and lost weight, well, you know that leaves your body in a weird way.  Things start showing up places you'd never expect.  Skin gets loose.  It's just...well...your body's just not the same.  So this dent, literally...a my leg...really threw me for a loop.  I chalked it up to being caused by the massive gain and eventual loss of weight stemming from the birth of the boy - heavenly hunk of deliciousness that he is.  I'd suffer 50 more dents to have him.  But still.  A dent? 

Until a few days later as I was pulling into the Whole Foods parking lot.  It happens to share a parking lot with Bed, Bath and Beyond.  The very same Bed, Bath and Beyond I took a tumble in, for lack of a better description.  As I pulled into the lot, I recalled that tumble and - BAM! - a light bulb went off in my head.

THE DENT!  It's not from being fat and then being skinny-ish ('cept for those last 5lbs) again!  It's from SLAMMING FULL FORCE INTO THE BACK BAR OF THIS VERY GROCERY CART COLLECTOR PHOTOGRAPHED HERE IN THIS BLOG!
And to think!  I was headed to Whole Foods to healthy food shop for things to combat my newly discovered cellulite thigh!  Actually, the dent in my leg had nothing at all to do with the aforementioned cellulite.  It's not cellulite at all!  It's just....A DENT IN MY LEG CAUSED FROM SPRINTING DIRECTLY INTO A METAL BAR.  


I have a dent in my leg?  Will it go away?  Is it dangerous?


 ps-I have not ruled out that the dent in my leg is actually a dent in some sort of non-cellulite-ish fatty tissue.  Even though my leg isn't really fat.  There must be fat in there, right?  I really don't know.  Are there any phys. ed. or trainer type people reading this blog who can delicately and expertly explain to me what this dent in my leg actually is?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Everybody's Pretty Pissed About Lilith.

I've been reading some extremely hairy reviews on Lilith Fair.  And when I say hairy, I mean not so good.  As a longtime fan of Sarah's - I mean, does anyone not like Sarah? - I'm bummed for her.  I think what she and the Fair did for women in music in the late 90s was pretty g-damn awesome.

But alas, here we are over 10 years later.  And the Fair, from what I'm reading, is a bit of a tour-tanic.  So, let's pretend for a moment that we're the promoters of this event and it's our shirts that are being lost.  Economy aside, what do you think is going wrong?

Here are a few of my thoughts in no particular order:

-Not enough Indigo Girls.  Let's be honest.  You need Indigos more than Sarah to make it feel like a festival, and they're only on 3 dates this year.  #FAIL.  Amy Ray brings the camaraderie.  I've been on enough female bills (including Lilith) to know that girls don't play nice together backstage.  Caddy.  Trust me.   Amy makes sure everyone plays nice and comes out singing "Midnight Train to Georgia" together at the end.  No Amy = No good.

-Not enough really hot-right-this-second names on the bill like PINK.  Or like Rihanna.  Or like Miley (eek, that's promoter Kristen talking, not regular Kristen).  Or, d'uh - GAGA!  Or GAGA and Beyonce - TOGETHER!  Who else?  There must be about 100 others I'm not thinking of.

-They need to get a really hot reunion of some sort on the bill.  Like...thinking, thinking....Destiny's Child could have been interesting.  I mean.  Not that interesting to me, personally.  But maybe to people who buy tickets.  Or....Fleetwood Mac on Lilith could've been cool.  Not that Lilith is lacking in the "people-over-40-who-wear-pleated-khaki-shorts" demographic.  OH.  I've got it!  THE RUNAWAYS.  That would have been an AMAZING reunion and OH SO TIMELY.

-Change the name, but make sure it's marketed as something born out of Lilith Fair.  Like, hmm.    Lil-ish Fair.  Alright, we need to work on alternate names.  But Lilith feels, well, a little too BeBe Newirth to me.  And when I say that, I mean tired.  It yawn.

-What if you put some BOYS on the dates.  Whoa, I know.  Call me crazy as a loon, but, what pisses us female artists off the most is how exclusive the boys clubs are.  They've got room for only one female artist on a festival, or one female artist in the rotation at a radio station.  What if the new "Lil-ish" INCLUDED instead of EXCLUDED and put one or two guy-like artists on the bill, just for shitz and ticket sales.  Sarah can come out to sing a few songs with them to make it feel Lilithy.  Oh, I do hear the naysayers already.   The whole point of the festival is to give the girls their one place on planet Earth to go be in a festival without feeling excluded.  BUT AT LILITH REDUX WE NEED TO CHANGE SOME OF THE OLD RULES.  Work with me, people.  We're trying to sell tickets to a festival.  The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, not boys on festival bills.

Seriously, though.  I want you to imagine what dudes would be willing to play the festival...hmmm.  Oh, I just thought of a GREAT ONE!  Adam Lambert!  He'd KILL IT at Lilith.  And you know he'd be so down to do it.  And then he and GAGA can sing a duet!  Whooooop.  I'm loving this new Lil-ish Fair!     

-Ok.  Here's my last change.  And I know I could get tarred and feathered for even uttering this.
Drum roll please..........Don't make Sarah headliner. (LOUD GASP!) 

I know, I know.  Blaspheme.  But if you rename it, and have Sarah perform on the main stage earlier for some of the dates, or even have her play the more intimate 2nd stage solo with just her piano on other dates, wouldn't that be a nice change of pace?  It sure seems like a lot to make Sarah carry the mother lode on her shoulders when she's 10+ years past her...well...biggest years...I say delicately and with boat loads of respect.  

Alright.  I'm done thinking about this.  And I'm wondering what you all think?  Did you go?  Did you like it?  Did it piss you off when people who paid $50 were now sitting next to you in your $250 seats?

Bark back.

Back Stage Lilith Fair 1998:
That's Garrison Starr and me kneeling down in the front meeting for the first time.  Garrison now co-writes with Antigone Rising on a regular basis.  You just never know who you're kneeling next to anymore, right?  Please note, Amy Ray (upper left) invited AR to join everyone on stage for "Midnight Train To Georgia" moments after this photo was snapped.  

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Move That Bus, Webisodes Past...

We're culling our video footage from the past several shows and mentally gearing up to edit another webisode of "Move That Bus."  In the meantime, catch up on a few of the most recent ones you may have missed so you're all up to date!

Episode 5 is  when we rocked the Cherry Lane 50th Anniversary Party. 

Episode 4 is the Bandanagate webisode.  If you don't know what that means, then you just need to watch: