Sunday, May 16, 2010

Analyze This: A Moderately Mortifying Blog about Rob Lowe

Depending on how you define moderately, of course.

So, when I was in 7th grade, Tiger Beat, or some such teen idol magazine did a preview on the next new hot up and coming heart throbs.  I cut two of the pictures out of the magazine and began parading them around town telling my friends these two photographed heart throbs were my cousins.

A few weeks later, the two up and coming heart throbs arrived on the silver screen in a big way, indeed.  Soda Pop and Pony Boy Curtis, it turns out, were my cousins.  Boy, were my friends impressed.  Whoops, my bad.  I had some explaining to do.  Or did I?

My friends:  "Kristen, your cousins are in The Outsiders?"
Me:  "wha?"
My friends: "Your cousins.  The models.  The ones you showed us pictures of.  They're in that new movie, The Outsiders?  That's so cool.  Your family must be so proud."
Me: "What photos?"

You're following my approach here, yes?  Just act like it never happened.  Sort've like a voluntary black-out.  Who me, wha?

Some of those very friends will likely read this blog and feel extremely vindicated all these years later.  So there you go, friends.  I just let you off the hook.  Indeed, it seems, I lied.

But why?  Seriously.  What the heck?  Was it just an adolescent weird thing?  I mean, who tells there friends such a strange lie?  And yes, that's your cue to post to my blog and confess some equally moderately mortifying thing you did in your adolescence.  So go ahead and tell  You'll feel so much better.  I know I do, assuming some of you post your equally embarrassing stories.  If nobody does, I might just delete this post and act like it was never here...

 The inspiration for this blog hit me in the shower.  I just love Rob Lowe.  I've always loved him.  From the second I saw him in Tiger Beat, I cut out his bo-hunky little face and crowned him "my cousin."  I watched The Outsiders at least fifty times.  I thought the name Soda Pop was so cool and could not understand for the life of me why the Greasers could not overcome the indignation brought upon them by lame Leif Garrett and the Socs.

As the years passed, I watched adoringly as "cousin Rob" starred  in St. Elmo's Fire and About Last Night.  I believed he and Demi shared a Luke & Laura-like love.

It was bigger than love, even.  I started liking Demi as much as I liked Rob for a second or two in those days, somewhere deep in the recesses of my psyche (where I was storing the memory of lying to my friends, most likely).

But the test of time "doth not lie," as someone completely butchering the words of William Shakespeare might blog.  Some twenty odd years later, the flame in my heart still burneth bright for Rob.  For Demi the cougar, not so much. 

Which brings me to why this rant got started in the first place.  Tonight, so I've heard, they're (**spoiler alert) killing "my cousin" off of Brothers and Sisters.

But why?  Why must it always end so tragically?  Can't he just win an election and be forced to relocate to Washington D.C.?  Or, if it must be tragic, can't it just be a really ugly Kitty/Robert divorce?  That's sad, people.  Divorce is certainly tragic.  Must they, MUST THEY kill him?

Brothers and Sisters, you're forcing Parenthood to be my new favorite family dramedy, and Parks and Recreation my new sitcom of choice.  I realized in the shower today, what started with a spark from a photo in a heart throb magazine all those years ago has blossomed into my longest lasting celebrity crush (Shaun Cassidy excluded, obvi).  I've been going steady with Rob Lowe since 1983, and not in a Rosie O'Donnell/Tom Cruise kinda way.  I'm clear about the contradiction in the crush, I'm not using the crush as a diversion tactic to boost my ratings, I'm just telling it like it is.

When I was 12, I saw a photo of Rob Lowe in a magazine that inspired me to lie to my friends that he was my cousin.  And I still think he's a hottie.  WTF is up with that?


  1. I feel like I just read an entry from my own diary. This is so funny.

    My family moved across the country when I was in the 7th grade and in an effort to impress bitchy little middle school girls, I said that the band Nelson (um, WTF?!) was going to be playing at my house for my birthday. I figured it was a safe lie since my only real plans for my birthday was probably dinner with my parents at Chi Chi's. I'm pretty sure I just never mentioned it again. I am so grateful that Facebook did not exist when I was a kid and that I had an undocumented adolescence... Some kid would have been like, "don't forget to post your Nelson birthday photos!" and then my Aunt would have said, "what are they talking about Stephanie? Is Nelson your little boyfriend? Do you want to invite him to Chi Chi's?" And then I would have died.

    As for Rob Lowe, I am just in love. Even though he's slightly more orange than a person ought to be, he is ridiculously good looking, brilliant on-screen, and he rescues dogs. Seeing him tweet that his foster dog is "so cute" made me feel like I was reading a Tiger Beat all over again.

    I'm bummed that he's probably going to be killed off tonight on B&S but I can't say I blame him for wanting to leave. The show just hasn't been as good for the last couple of seasons. He is such a great comedic actor - I think Parks and Rec is a good move for him. Maybe with his move to NBC, he can have a nice cameo as Lorelai Gilmore's love interest on Parenthood for a few weeks?

  2. if a crush on Rob Lowe has, in a roundabout way, been the catalyst to redirect you from Brothers & Sisters to Parenthood and especially Parks & Recreation, then it's nothing but a good influence in your life. :)

  3. Eternal crush on Rob Lowe...understandable. He is very pretty...and smooth (assessment based on the bare-chested poster of him that I had on my wall while growing up.)

    The only remotely moderately mortifying and uber embarrassing thing I have done in my (pre-) adolescent existence was following up a botched clarinet solo with a highly audible "SHIT!" in front of a gym-sized audience which of course included my parents. Sorry...doesn't quite compare to your confessional.

    And hasn't EVERYONE dug Demi at one point in their lives???! (Cue GI Jane workout/pull-up scene here.)

    Moderately mortifying blogs are fun! Keep them coming...maybe a new Sunday morning routine??? ;o)

  4. Kristen I too have a cut out a picture of Tiger Beat and lie about it story.I was best friends with a set of twins Lisa and Lori.Lisa had a brief romance with Greg Hyndamen,the neighborhood cutie.Romance I mean as in holding hands and just claiming you had a bf or gf.He broke it off and we cut out a picture of Scott Baio in Tiger Beat to show off as Lisa's new bf.Im not sure how Greg didnt know it was ChaChi from Happy Days but we managed to make him jealous with the picture!

  5. Are you going to tell the babies that they're related to Rob Lowe? It could spread like wildfire. haha

    I told my friends that Dan 'The Beast' Severn (a UFC fighter) was my dad. haha He actually did resemble my dad... from a distance. That lasted until one of my friends that actually had met my dad said otherwise. C'est la vie.

    And the Parenthood isn't a bad show... I need to catch up on it. But I really just watch it because I love Lauren Graham. <3


    ps- I laughed out loud about the Rosie O'Donnell/Tom Cruise reference.

  6. I now know why we are friends... His birthday is march 17th.... Due to this... St. Patricks day has no meaning to me.... Sorry Ellis...

    Favorite movie... Class... But tied with hotel new hamshire... Because well.. Jodie...

  7. I have nothing funny to confess, but I will admit to be a little confused as to why there's a good ten years between our ages, yet you had the same crushes as me. Were you that far ahead of your time, or me that far behind?

    And oh, you still crush on him because he looks like a girl.

  8. Well..


    So..I can't comment on this blog til I read it again, cuz that was a lot of info to get in one sitting. and then fully understand your love for Rob which I don't understand. I always liked Chad better. But when I DO out. It'll be a doozie. Dozie. Dooooozie?

    But, my dear Smiley you remember the TV SHOW CALLED THE OUTSIDERS that aired on Fox? Yeeeears after the movie? Do you? DO YOU? Where there were NO Rob Lowes alas..I'll leave you with that til manana when I will have a witty comeback. You caught me off guard. Touche'..or Tucci.

  9. @J-Bird, I can BARELY remember that show. Prob cause no Rob Lowe. And c'mon with this Chad over Rob silliness. Without Rob there is no Chad. You do get that, don't you?

    @lisathree, I must be ahead of my time? Dunno. I liked Shaun. I liked Rob. And I liked Robbie Benson. What can I tell ya?

    @ergogal, maybe we do have a new Sunday morning ritual...

  10. I don't have a witty comment (or funny adolescent story). But, I could have a bratty comment and say how old I was in 1983.

    But, instead... HAHAHAHA! You're silly.

    Now, get in touch about the footage, lady.


  11. i have too many of those stories to post.

  12. While I cannot say that I claimed any relation to my celebrity crush, I do have to admit that I had his image plastered all over my walls. I even subscribed to Bop/Teen Beat/etc. So that I could get more posters. We are talking 150-200 posters up in my bedroom. There was a small area of maybe 5 ft by 5 ft for other people (the Coreys, Debbie Gibson, Tiffany etc).

    The man of my dreams at that point in life. Kirk Cameron. I loved Growing Pains. I even remember when Leonardo DiCaprio showed up on the show I watched to see Mikey Seaver.

    I am sure if I dug deeply in my closet I could probably find the collection of posters. For some reason, that much of an obsession is hard to part with, even once you have moved on.

  13. Ok.. I have to say MC Smiles-a-lot...

    Don't hate on my Chad love. It's real. And it's serious. The reason being is this..and I haven't read the comments fully...just skimmed. If someone has mentioned this already, I apologize for repeating. But here is why I love Chad. Is he as orange as his bro? No. no one is THAT orange...well..maybe that Hamilton guy..George Hamilton. But that's beside the point. Is he as good looking as his bro Rob? Nope. Can he act better? I think so but not by much.

    My love/lust for Rob officially went DOWN the tubes many years ago when he was caught with his pants down, literally AND figuratively with 15 or 16 year olds..remember that? Anyone? Bueler? He had a few trysts with them. I mean I know he was a ladies man...but really Rob..keep it in your pants. And yes, I know he's reformed. And yes. i know he's cool and he has the pretty blue eyes. But every time I see him, I think back to his news making semi porn event (before it was popular to make sex tapes). I was pretty young, but it made very news station around the world. Now Chad, also gets cool points for being hitched to Hilary Swank. Cool points like Ben Affleck gets for marrying Jen G, which you and I have discussed before. So there. That's why the Chad Love over Rob Love.

    Go ahead, let me have it. But I can't help it. Chad is like the brother who gets the leftovers. But he can be my leftover any day.

    Sincerely yours...

  14. LOVE this blog!! I understand completely....although I wasn't Team Rob, I was Team Matt!! Matt Dillon! I used to tell all my friends that I was going to marry him one day! Anything that mentioned his name, showed a picture, it was up on my bedroom walls. They were covered floor to ceiling! There were a few of Rob up there, I will admit, but Matt was my one and only!

    Now thinking back about the guys that I dated...I think Matt Dillon set the standard for what became "my type" in a guy: nice guy/tough guy, good looking, dark haired, you know, superficial stuff (lol)...all the boys I dated seemed to look like him, act like him fact my husband's high school picture looked eerily similar to Matt Dillon.....oh geez....they're both Aquarius born the same year! Maybe this is why my husband started shaving his head?? Holy crap....thanks Kristen! Two years of therapy never brought this out, but you did! LOL!

    Great blog, thanks for the trip down memory lane. I gotta run, I need to go call my therapist....(hehehe)


  15. Matt Dillion...NOW you're talkin'...the ears. I totally dug the ears and I am not ashamed to say I have a thing for ears. That hair, and those ears hands down. He had me at "hey"

    I even loved him in "Wild Things" and that was such a horrible flick it was downright funny.

  16. @J-Bird, remember the Melissa Gilbert chapter.
    @MatchboxGinny - Matt Dillon is such a hottie.
    @liz, HAH! You know his birthday? Classic! Why haven't we been celebrating it?

  17. I wish I still had my t-shirt "Lay Lowe In Atlanta" with his profile...not sure if you are old enough to remember that wonderful escapade, but I was living there then, and I bet that shirt would be worth a pretty penny on eBay right now ; ) But for you...I'd give it to you... Damn, what did I do with that t-shirt?