Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Sleep Deprivation and The Bed, Bath and Beyond.

According to the Wiki definition, sleep deprivation can adversely affect brain and cognitive function.  While I know we all love a good clinical definition, let's talk about sleep deprivation in real terms.

Even with a good night's sleep, I have trouble at the Bed, Bath and Beyond.  The aisles are too tall or narrow or cluttered.  I'm not sure which one it is, maybe a combination of all three.  All I know is that I walk into that store and I don't feel well.

So when I showed up at the Bed, Bath and Beyond a year and a half into my self-diagnosed sleep deprived state, it was NOT pretty. 

My sleep deprivation began about four months before I gave birth to my son.  That's around the time we bought our huge pregnancy body pillows (ironically at Bed, Bath and Beyond) to help us sleep better through the last few months of our pregnancies.  They did not work.

A week ago Monday, in the pouring rain, I showed up at Bed, Bath and Beyond with my 20% off coupon ready to buy brand new sheets for my brand new bed to help cure my self-diagnosed sleep deprivation.  The brand new bed made me excited enough to think I could "tackle" a trip to Bed, Bath and Beyond.  You can guess the keyword of that sentence.    

Picture pouring cold rain.  Picture Kristen getting a lousy parking spot in the back of the lot.  Picture Kristen not dressed warm enough for the trip.  Picture Kristen sprinting across the parking lot narrowly escaping several near death incidences as she weaved herself in and out of traffic.  Know for a fact that before self-professed sporty Kristen was sleep deprived, she never would have had that many near death incidences weaving in and out of parking lot traffic.   

Picture the electric doors of Bed, Bath and Beyond sliding open to welcome a sleep deprived Kristen to its showroom, and now picture Kristen realizing she left her stupid, annoying, already-expired-but-she-intends-to-use-it-anyway 20% Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon in the car.

And yes, she does realize she is speaking in the third person.  It is an intentional coping mechanism for her to deal with the unbelievably stupid thing she was about to do.

OK.  Here goes.

She decided to run, full speed, back to her car to get the expired coupon.  There were no cars this time, so the coast was clear from that particular danger.  Halfway through the lot she saw one of those cart collection areas.

She will supply a picture of the cart area for you to review here in this blog:

She decided to run under said cart collection area because it had a 6 foot long roof over it.  It would give her a slight respite from the pouring cold rain pounding down on her innapropiately under dressed body.

As she approached the respite, her gray wool hat (you know the one) started to slip down her head.  She didn't bother to push it back up.  She was probably too tired.  She reached the end of the cart collection area, and before she could say "I hate Bed, Bath and Beyond" she was LAID OUT on the concrete parking lot.

Whoops.  Her bad.  She didn't see the metal rod that ran across the back of the cart collection area, about thigh high.  It cut her off in a take-no-prisoners type fashion.  Abruptly.  Understatement. 

Mortified, she leapt to her feet without ever looking back and jumped into her car, contemplating her next move.   

She was paying @thisisdevon to watch the babies.  She had no choice in the matter.  She had to show up back home with new sheets.  So she waited a few minutes to be sure any patrons in the lot who witnessed the unbelievably embarrassing acrobatic-disaster-of-a-fall she just took had cleared the area.  And she removed her gray hat so as not to be recognized.

She limped back to the front door of Bed, Bath and Beyond.  This time slowly, getting soaked by the rain, with her expired 20% coupon in hand.  She got annoyed by some bitchy fellow-patron she kept nearly running into with her cart (too bad she didn't hit that woman), She got her sheets, AND she was able to use her 20% expired coupon.

Her ego bruised worse than her thighs, she had new sheets for the new bed that would hopefully cure her sleep deprivation - a sleep disorder characterized by having too little sleep (Wiki definition).

The moral of the story - You can use your expired 20% Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons.




  1. I laughed so hard I cried. Been there, done that... well not THAT exactly, but many, many idiotic things due to sleep deprivation. It's a real issue, people! Don't judge!!

  2. Just read your blog!! Don't feel alone- I have lost three blackberrys on three months-

  3. You really weren't kidding about having a terrible experience at BB&B.

    geeeeeez, Hendo... that's all I got.


    You know... if i was with you i would have taken that spill... although we would have then ended up in the emergency room...

    I am proud of you for your tumble... and even more so for blogging and capturing your bruise.. It makes you that much more of a rock star... at least in my book

  5. Hmmm...well, perhaps if we examine from 50k feet we come to understand the root of the problem.

    One of the other things one can buy at BB&B are K-cups. You know, all those fancy flavored coffee thingy's?

    I wonder if in other less dramatic visits to said establishment, there were many, many k-cups purchased and in having them available, they are consumed later in the evening than they should be?? :o ;-) :P

    I do hope the sheets solved the problem.

    Just so you know...having young'uns, only gets better. You think you are sleep deprived now....


    Funny story Kristen. Sorry you have to get hurt like that to tell it :) !!

  6. I usually only go to BBB to buy a supply of Keurig coffees, and I always use the expired coupon. My sister gives me them all the time and says "they never care about the expiration date, so use the old ones first". But they come in the mail so often, and I don't go to BBB that often, so I don't think I will ever catch up to using a current coupon. I'll see if I have any to send your way for your next BBB adventure. Oh and this time, bring Liz to get some video :o)


  7. I am sorry to admit this, but I laughed...out loud. However, I swear I was not laughing at you...I was laughing at the fact that this is totally my life. I have managed to literally be clotheslined (yes, by a clothesline-correct usage of the term "literally"), I have tripped up stairs, if some freaky thing would happen during field hockey where someone got hurt, I was on the receiving end.

    I hope that your new bed and sheet improve your sleep!

  8. OMG, Kristen if ever I needed a good belly laugh, it was today!! Your blog has certainly completed that task. I apologize in advance for making your stressful event the best laugh a girl could possibly have. I literally laughed so loud, that my cats got scared and jumped off the window sill. I had tears streaming down my face so that I couldn't even read without wiping thoroughly. Your blow by blow account was hysterical. I told you you could write a book!
    I hope to see you all this Saturday. Trying to change my plans & get into NYC!
    Too funny!

  9. Hahahaha-That was great! Wish I could've been there to see it. I probably would've pee'd my pants...another "side effect" that sometimes accompanies the sleep deprivation caused by motherhood:)

  10. Loved it and I remember those days well. However I have now entered into another time of sleep deprivation.....the teen years. I think I am losing more sleep now than I did then. Hang in there... it does get better.. for a little while :)

  11. brutally real! i also get a head ache in bb&b as well as target and the entire mall, must be the air.

    btw, now that my kid is 11, i have figured out how to sleep again-- but it took years and aged me beyond belief. good luck to you !xo

  12. Ahhhhhh... sleep deprivation. After I had my first child, Meathead handed me a postcard and told me to throw out the book I was reading, "What to Expect the First Year". He summed up the book in one word..."HELL". I had three babies in three years and haven't had a solid night sleep yet! I feel your pain!

  13. *Twugs.* I've dealt with sleep deprivation for YEARS. I am so sorry that you went through that. It just wasn't your day. I once fell down my dorm's stairway to jump back up and act like nothing happened, only to have my leg examined by the docs on campus and having to be sent to the hospital OFF campus. All due to lack of sleep. So believe you me I feel your pain.

  14. That is flippin hilarious...keep telling the stories bc anyone who claims that it doesnt happen to them is lying!. We all trip over shopping cart apparatus. and we are all TIRED!

  15. As I already tweeted, you're my sleep deprived hero. That's a bad ass, rock star bruise. Definitely.

    To make you feel a bit better: I body checked the cabinet (at work) that holds the liquor. I turned too fast and slammed my shoulder into the corner. Thankfully, I didn't knock anything off. But the lunch crowd found enjoyment in it. They told me I was cut off. Maybe I SHOULD drink at work.

  16. What Amanda said above, plus|: is sleep analysis needed? I now work for a company that does equipment and software for that as well, and we also provide tech support for the personnel that is involved in. And it's now a division of an American company.

  17. Oh, I needed that laugh!! Thank you. If it makes you feel better, at the height of my sleep deprivation, I sat irritably next to what I thought was the speaker at the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru for 5 minutes, wondering why no one asked for my order. Finally, when I crankily turned to yell "Hello?" into the speaker, I realized I was sitting next to the garbage can and the speaker was 20 feet ahead of me. Nice.

  18. Oh, honey! Feel it. LOL. I must now confess my sleep deprived penchant for backing out of my garage, desperate to get out of the house durning those early years, high school babysitter hired and having my chance to dash to the mall.....I have hit 3---THREE --babysitters cars parked in my driveway. Three different sitters.... They started parking on the street.

  19. HAH! Some of your posts have me HOWLING! OMG! My story is STILL worse than all of your's, though.

    I'm totally capable of sitting (and SCREAMING) at the DD garbage can. I have that in me, for sure.

  20. Great story. I feel like "Eye of the Tiger" should have been the soundtrack to this incident...

  21. Too funny! Fantastic story, though I would have lost it if they didn't let you use the coupon :)

    I think I'm the most sleep deprived person that doesn't have kids. I walk through my life like a zombie.

    I use to live in NYC, but recently moved upstate with my boyfriend. I still commute into the city 2 hours each way. We leave the house at 5:30 because he needs to be at work at 7 and takes me to the train. I take the 6:01 train into the city and then I go to the gym and sleepwalk through my workout before heading to work at 9. The earliest I get out of work is 6:15, so on a good day I'm home by 8 and then have to do it all again. For those of you not keeping up, that is a 14.5 hour day on a good day. There are many days I'm not home till 10pm and have to do it all again the next morning.

    And to top it all off I can't remember the last time we had no plans on a weekend. I dream of a weekend to veg!

  22. sleep deprivation = constant state if you a) are mom b) have another job in addition to being a mom.

    My latest favourite is at Physical Therapy recently: the PT is trying to help me diagnose why I got injured in the first place. He starts talking about poor diet, stress/worry, and lack of sleep as contributing factors. Right, I get a plus on one (if I ignore all the jellybeans recently consumed)...theoretically, I should be in a state of complete injury all the time!

    Is there really a mythical creature out there who has no stress AND has children AND has a job outside the house? Maybe a Navi?

  23. I actually just remembered about a sleep deprived story... it was yesterday. And why I didn't recall until now, just proves I need more rest.

    I was making eggs. There were four in total. Took two out of the container, cracked one, threw the shell out. Went to crack the other and somehow the remaining two eggs in the container fell on the floor. I really have no idea what the hell happened. I am normally very coordinated. Lack of sleep causes confusion and distraction. My TV then mocked me by immediately airing an ADHD commercial.

    No pain. Just a mess. And me swearing at the TV.

    I will try not to be sleepy on Saturday. Don't want to knock over someone's drink or break my camera.

  24. Yeah, I've used expired coupons before too. I was also told to "bring more than 1" and they would use one per item. But haven't tried it yet...and may depend on your store and/or cashier.

    Hope the bruise is healing and doesn't effect the show Sat!! (jk)